My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize