i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
