I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
