her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
