Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
