Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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