a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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