Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
