So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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