guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
