Im at strip club and am horny
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
