it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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