a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
