If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
