just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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