Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
