I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
