Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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