i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
