I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
