I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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