I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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