how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My penis needs a shock collar
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
