remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
