I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
