The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
