I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
