we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
