Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
