awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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