I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This show inspires me to have sex in space
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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