So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
