Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
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