he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
