clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
