what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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