where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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