i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
