Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize