just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dignity is for republicans.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
