I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
