She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
