people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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