no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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