im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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