god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
