my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
