So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
