got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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