i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
