Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
