help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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