I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
