oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
