If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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